sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
