i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
