Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So apparently I’m into choking now
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
