So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She even gives head with a lisp.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
