Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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