I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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