Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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