I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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