Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize