So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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