Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
