his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And then he peed in my hair
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
