I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
