found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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