Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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