Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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