would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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