Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just pynch a tree in the face
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
