My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
