I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
