I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
