First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
