everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he was CRYING into my vagina
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
