Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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