i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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