no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
