woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
