He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
A bitchslap is in order.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
