Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
