I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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