Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
