Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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