Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
