last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
either way he was missing a nipple.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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