:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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