Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
