I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
