I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
