Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
