If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
