I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
