we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
