Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
