Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
