His pubic hair was longer than his dick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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