believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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