they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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