According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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