I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
