Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I need to align my fucking chakras
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
